


DEETS

by BonitaBreezy, Measureless



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Exhibitionism, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Trolling, Voyeurism, bitty is a successful baker, bulletpoint fic, but I promise it's so worth it, jack is a successful nhl star, lardo is a successful artist, shitty is a successful lawyer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8941291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonitaBreezy/pseuds/BonitaBreezy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measureless/pseuds/Measureless
Summary: it started with: lardo and jack have a secret deets chatit ended with: THEY TROLLED THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE WITH THEIR POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP AND WENT DOWN IN HISTORYThis is a slightly edited conversation captured after the wake of the 3.12 notes.





	1. Deets

**Author's Note:**

> This is a wild ride. Buckle up.
> 
> It starts with [3.12 notes](http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/154736178892)
> 
> "I bet if Jack asked, she’d tell him. But Jack wouldn’t even be like that though. You see how they talk??? They’re chill. Lardo and Jack had their own deets exchange right there at brunch. They’ve got a deets thread going on via text that Holster would drool over."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT JACK AND LARDO SHARE SEX TIPS?

  * WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT JACK AND LARDO SHARE SEX TIPS? 
  * Like....Lardo is super chill and Jack is awkward af 
  * AND YET 
  * THEY HAVE A TEXT THREAD THAT IS ENTIRELY ABOUT CREATIVE WAYS TO DO THE SEX 
  * maybe there's even a competition of some sort? Strictly friendly of course. But they set some sort of challenge just to see who can it better/make it last longer/whatever idk 
  * And like on the one hand they're friends and it's all in good fun 
  * BUT ON THE OTHER HAND 
  * Jack Zimmermann is so fucking extra? 
  * And has never been relaxed or chill about a competition in his entire life? 
  * It's a possibility there was a week where deep throating was The Thing. And Bitty near about died. 
  * And Lardo was like "pics or it didn't happen" 
  * And sweet dear competitive Jack seriously considered it for like ten whole seconds 
  * Let's face it, Lardo knows how competitive Jack is. There is no way she would challenge him without expecting exactly this. 
  * She judges Jack's success based on how flustered, red-faced, or generally happy Bitty is. 
  * Jack (to Bitty): I read this thing I want to try... 
  * Bitty (growing suspicious): where? 
  * Jack: oh uh.. I don't... remember? 
  * the next day 
  * Lardo smirks at Bitty. Bitty: Jack Laurent Zimmermann!! 
  * But at the same time he's like ~casually~ dropping things he wants to try into conversation 
  * Lardo's not fooled, but she's got her bro's back 
  * omg yes, but "casually" right? because we now all have proof that Bitty is Not Subtle. like 0 capacity for subtlety. 
  * Oh yeah he's like, out of absolutely nowhere, "YOU KNOW WHAT I HAPPENED TO READ ABOUT ON THE COVER OF COSMO IN THE LINE AT MURDER STOP N SHOP THE OTHER DAY?" 
  * And Lardo is like "lol ur not subtle but do tell" 
  * And he lists like some harmless kinda-kinky-for-vanilla-people thing all nonchalant and he's like "isn't that crazy?? Who would ever want to try that???" 
  * And like he can talk to Lardo about it like he's "joking" but when he and Jack try to talk about sex they're both the Most Awkward People 
  * Just imagine Bitty's red face as he tries to ask for something and he's got SB in his lap but he's covering his ears bc he's just an innocent bun. And Jack is like..."I will literally do anything you ask" but like so blank faced and serious about it and basically it's just painful to witness bc it feels like a board meeting or something 
  * Lardo, mediator of zimbits sex life (tm) 
  * she did not expect this part of the job when she became SMH manager 
  * And yet she kinda relishes the position 
  * Also if they ever feel like trying out voyeurism she is their girl 
  * Or exhibitionism I guess 
  * Shitty wants all the deets. ALL THE DEETS. and she's like super coy bc Jack is like "if you tell him you won't be invited to watch again" 
  * And Lardo is very interested in being invited to watch again 




	2. Skype

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first time she watches is through skype

  * plus she'd never betray her bro like that 
  * bc she's cool 
  * Which is exactly why they'd trust her to do that in the first place 
  * buuuuuuuuuuuut I imagine the first time she'd kinda have to talk them through it at least to start 
  * the first time she watches is through skype 
  * it's like homemade porn and she honestly kinda digs the aesthetic 
  * they work their way up to having her in the room 
  * bc Bitty would be awkward af about it because he wants to but also there's a person in the room with them???? and it's Lardo??? 
  * and Jack can't get him to stop glancing at her and breaking the mood so finally she's just like...."Bits, I can go if you want, but if you still want to do this just chill. Like I'm not even here." And she uses her Soothing Voice and Jack starts kissing him and eventually he doesn't even notice that she's stopped talking 
  * and one time on skype shitty surprises her by climbing through her window and she slams her laptop shut 
  * she doesn't tell jack or bitty why her connection "failed" 
  * shitty thinks she was watching porn and is embarrassed 
  * he tells her she doesn't have to be shy and maybe they can watch it together 
  * lardo: no 
  * (never nope) 
  * she already knows that would bother the crap out of her boys 
  * they love Shitty, but they know he couldn't give them what they need like Lardo does. She likes observing and watching the way they fit together and the expressions on the faces and the fond, gentle touches that happen even when they're going hard. Shitty would never be able to spectate silently like that, he'd have to get involved somehow 
  * and it's not what they want 
  * shitty would want to turn it into a threesome. or foursome 
  * and Bitty so would not be Down 
  * because he loves Lardo but he's really really super duper gay 
  * he's not even interested in shitty that way, really 
  * and he's seen Shitty naked so often the idea of him as a sexual being just kinda doesn't compute 
  * lol but I bet the first time she takes the trip to Providence with Bitty R+H are like "wow bro way to cockblock" 




	3. Paintings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for christmas one of them is getting a super suggestive water color painting  
> and it's like...gorgeous???

  * ooooh and I bet for christmas one of them is getting a super suggestive water color painting and it's like...gorgeous??? 
  * and framed in such a way that you can't really tell it's them just by looking at it 
  * BUT THEY KNOW 
  * it just kinda looks like a sensual sort of on-the-edge-of-NSFW piece 
  * like it's not porn, you can't actually see anything inappropriate 
  * it's something like....Bitty with his head thrown back on Jack's shoulder and Jack with his mouth on Bitty's neck 
  * but you can't see their faces and you wouldn't know it was them unless you knew 
  * Bitty cries a little bit 
  * and also absolutely forbids Jack from hanging it anywhere but his bedroom 
  * because sure, their friends might not know it's them 
  * But still 
  * "it's art, Bits. No one's gonna even notice." 
  * "Jack, darling, you will get chirped for the rest of your natural born life if you hang that in a public space" 
  * at some point, she actually starts doing live paintings of them 
  * she tells them they need to slow down- she has to capture this- and they do but it's so hot it's kinda one of their favorite things? 
  * maybe, sometimes on special occasions they let her direct them???? 
  * usually she's just an observer and it gets them going just to know she's watching silently but sometimes they'll look to her with glazed eyes and just wait until she tells them what she wants to see 
  * she produces some of her best artwork thinking of them - it doesn't stop after the gift. and she can't. show. anyone. her friends would assume she's fantasizing about them - and she is- but it's with permission. so even though she doesn't paint their faces it's so obviously identifiable to anyone who knows them. 
  * with permission from her boys, she sets up a pseudonym for a painter across the country and sells some of it 
  * it does REALLY well, aided by the mystery of the artist and subjects 
  * shitty shows her at one point and it's awkward but he doesn't figure it out - it's a style she only uses for that 
  * and you just know, of fucking course, Parse ends up buying one. 
  * HE hangs it in his living room 
  * hahahaha and one day down the road when he and Jack are trying to be friendly again 
  * Jack walks into his living room and sees it and nearly chokes to death 
  * and Parse is just like "lol Zimms you prude" 
  * The first and only time Jack ever uses the snapchat app that Bitty downloaded to his phone is to take a picture of it on Parse's wall and send it to Bitty and Lardo 
  * it may or may not be Lardo's proudest moment 




	4. NHL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's no secret that parse adores this mystery painter

  * it's no secret that parse adores this mystery painter. and a lot of the hockey bros are like "yeah cool" in a whatever kind of way - but a few just... light up. and make sure to buy one when they can. it sort of develops into a way for the closeted queer players to identify each other. they buy one of these paintings (and they're kinda expensive now but somehow there's always one available for hockey players) and hang it prominently 
  * and of course, jack wants to die when tater does so too 
  * (i am patater trash) 
  * they become like the underground "face" of the gay NHL 
  * Bitty is M O R T I F I E D 
  * but also very proud of Lardo 
  * also: it means they have to be very Very VERY careful if they want to come out publicly. 
  * because every gay NHL player will KNOW. they just will. or the risk is just - god no KENT would know 
  * Bitty has never been more inclined to live out his life in the closet 
  * but people are starting to try and hire detectives to track down the artist 
  * because it's getting so much attention and money and people like mysteries 
  * and there's talk of a tv show 
  * and Shitty is a huge advocate for Team Privacy 




	5. Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shitty figures it out eventually

  * I bet Shitty figures it out eventually. He goes to visit Lardo and finds one of the pieces not quite done 
  * i think she probably tells him - not about their sex life - but that the first was a commission from jack 
  * it's nearly the truth 
  * and she sells it as their idea, but because once you see it's THEM she's painting you cannot unsee it, she didn't tell shitty (and the mystery painter thing was for their privacy too) 
  * and Shits is so onboard with protecting his friends privacy 
  * he fucking pulls strings, uses his parent's' name and connections 
  * lays like a bunch of random trails that lead nowhere 
  * turns out Shitty could definitely make someone disappear if he wanted to lol 
  * and kent and jack are friends again, and kent's visiting. he gives jack crap about not having his gay signpost painting in the livingroom. kent even jokes the paintings kind of look like him and his boyfriend how weird is that? and no way is jack letting kenny know about the painting in the bedroom 
  * kent is oblivious though 
  * sometimes he looks at the stretch of broad back in the painting hanging in his living room and he can't shake the feeling that it looks familiar lol 
  * i mean he obviously picked it thinking of jack and himself though, so of course it reminds him of jack 
  * like kent has moved on, mostly 
  * but you never forget your first love 
  * meanwhile shitty often wonders why he's not always invited to jack's place with lardo and bits for "keep the secret alive" strategy sessions 
  * they all swear up and down that he has to finish his law degree 
  * buuuuuut what happens when he and Lardo finally get together?? 
  * because she wants to tell him. She has to tell him. She can't have two different sex lives without telling one about the other because that's not right. But she doesn't want to give up what she has with Jack and Bitty 
  * and she's loved Shitty for a really long time 
  * I mean....ultimately I think it would work out 
  * but like...she'd keep putting Shitty off and he'd be like, kinda hurt. Bc if she doesn't want to be together, that's her choice but she kinda seems like she does and then goes cold all of a sudden? 
  * and then eventually Bitty notices that something is wrong 
  * and they practice Healthy Relationship Discussions 
  * all the while questioning when they started considering themselves in a relationship because it's not like....really a relationship but it also kinda is 
  * it is totally a relationship even if they didn't notice 
  * and so eventually they decide to tell Shitty everything 
  * and at first he's like "WHAT THAT IS THE GREATEST SHIT ON THE PLANET LARDS YOU DOG" 
  * but they have to also have the "we want to keep doing this with Lardo if you guys are dating but also you're not really invited???" 
  * it's very awkward 
  * lol but on the other hand shitty gets it 
  * he is the guy almost everyone comes out to 
  * yeah exactly, like if there was anyone they could hope to be cool with it, it would be Shitty 
  * he knows shit about sexual identities and poly relationships 
  * plus it means he's kiiinnda in a relationship with his bff and that's actually super cool? 
  * so like, sometimes he visits w lardo and keeps to himself while they do their thing 
  * but like... how can he resist crashing naked in jack zimmermann's bed later, just like old times? he cannot 
  * and honestly, he doesn't see how anyone could expect him to 




	6. Polyamory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes it's good for Lardo to have him nearby

  * and, honestly, sometimes it's good for Lardo to have him nearby 
  * because she watches Jack and Bitty do their thing 
  * and then moves on to the guest room and climbs into Shitty's lap and tells him all about it 
  * or well, she tells him the parts she has permission to share which is MOST of it, and it's a lot more satisfying to sex up shitty than to mastrubate afterwards 
  * and on very rare special occasions he's allowed to watch over skype with their end on mute 
  * I feel like eventually they all just end up shacking up together 
  * people write it off as them being weird millennials or something 
  * because they're all pretty successful adults so it's not like they couldn't afford to live alone but they just don't answer questions and everyone makes their own assumptions 
  * but like...who is going to assume that like...these two couples sometimes intermingle 
  * totally, and sometimes they do the skype thing with lardo in the room and shitty watching over muted skype. he can hear them through the wall 
  * he can see her in the edge of the camera image 
  * sometimes she winks at him 
  * then she saunters back down the fucking hall to him like she owns the place 
  * She just struts into the room and Shitty is like living his Best Life 
  * and it's kinda odd because it's like....Bitty and Jack, and then Bitty and Jack and Lardo, and then Lardo and Shitty 
  * and then Shitty just like....straight up platonically snuggles everyone 
  * but it works for them 
  * and it's not that shitty isn't bi, it's just that they all like it this way 
  * he's just kind of a one person kinda guy 




	7. Conspiracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plus shitty is like a secret agent, protecting the fuck out of their identities

  * plus shitty is like a secret agent, protecting the fuck out of their identities 
  * and scheming how jack and bitty can come out like they want to without being connected to the paintings 
  * and they actually get kent in on it, because when jack comes out so does kent, so they don't have to lie about juniors. so since kent was the first one to make a big deal about the paintings he implies it was a commission of him and jack and their first love 
  * but then everyone thinks there's still some pimms even though jack is with bitty and they're all like NO pimms 
  * so they bring in tater to fake date kent 
  * and kent doesn't know the identity of the artist anyway 
  * hell he only knows that lardo kicks his ass at flip cup - doesn't know she paints though he thinks she's into sculpture and performance art 
  * there's like this whole conspiracy of secrets protecting them 
  * shitty finally lives his dream of being a secret agent- one he's had since he was a kid. (some days he wanted to be in the mob, like a movie mobster) and now that's his life 
  * livin’ the dream 
  * Lardo makes a living selling paintings: living the dream 
  * kent and alexei get their fake dating meet cute au thing, and they secretly write their own fanfic about it. all the other fans who ship them think it's terrible - not realistic at all. it's basically an autobiography. they tag it "slow burn" 
  * R+H print it out and have it bound 
  * R&H have no idea it's genuine. 
  * they remain forever clueless 
  * they try to make jack read it 
  * they have literally almost walked in on Jack, Bitty, and Lardo like five times and they're still totally unaware 
  * but yeah lol trying to make Jack read it 
  * and Jack reads the first page and is like "Wow this is totally predictable" and then tells them the end 
  * they can't decide if he's just that good or if he's read it 
  * they put all their energy into trying to prove Jack reads Hockey RPF that they don't notice the real secret right in front of their faces 




	8. Self Portrait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lardo would also do a whole line of super domestic paintings too

  * also I feel like Lardo would also do a whole line of super domestic paintings too again, they're faceless, but it's always things like cuddling on the couch or hands lingering on hips while someone is doing the dishes 
  * Shitty appears in these ones too, but Lardo never does because she feels like she represented in the work itself rather than trying to fit herself into the scenes she sees 
  * Shitty DEFINITELY CRIES 
  * some of the domestic ones get shown in a gallery, but they're not for sale 
  * and art students write papers on this mysterious painter and the way they express sex and intimacy 
  * the word "ethereal" gets thrown around a lot 
  * and gender norms are redefined in her paintings too 
  * but they get critiqued for only ever featuring men 
  * and she's fucking furious 
  * white men even lol 
  * she may or may not have a dark retaliatory series briefly, but her boys talk her out of sharing those ones 
  * there is one painting with her in it 
  * just one 
  * she felt awkward the whole time, she was painting it 
  * but she felt like it showed what they were doing so perfectly she had to get it down 
  * like her others, there's no recognizable face 
  * but it's clearly an asian woman 
  * full frontal and totally unashamed, because she's Making a Point 
  * it ends up in a museum. 
  * standing in the middle, head thrown back. Jack and Bitty at her feet, showing on the curve of their backs where they wrap around each other and her legs 
  * and Shitty behind her, his arms around her, his face pressed to her shoulder 
  * it should look subservient, but she was never comfortable making herself out to be some god-like figure 
  * but everyone always argues that it's not about control and power 
  * sure, there are men at her feet, but they're holding her up 
  * her throat is bared so openly that it can't be anything but vulnerable 
  * the man at her back clings to her, yes, but she leans against him just as much 
  * it's almost like an ecosystem where they all depend on each other to stay upright and when she paints it it's because she's angry 
  * but it's just so gorgeous they convince her the world needs to see it 
  * god does it spark discourse 
  * never ending discourse 
  * Shitty loves to get involved in it 
  * poly people claim it as representation 
  * correctly 
  * the "reveal the artist crew" claim it is a self portrait by the mystery artist 
  * correctly 
  * kent thinks: huh, is that lardo and shitty? .... naahhhh 
  * he still thinks jack is a prude 
  * he even knows all four of them live together now lmao 
  * everyone is blissfully clueless 




	9. Misdirection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shitty is a fucking ninja

  * shitty is a fucking ninja, and he posts so many conspiracy theories that people dismiss the very possibility the paintings are all really Jack Zimmermann and his 3 bffs 
  * it's like bruce wayne posting "the butts match" 
  * he has a whole conspiracy blog 
  * he shit posts on the daily 
  * he runs MULTIPLE conspiracy blogs, each with wildly conflicting ideas 
  * people ask Bitty on twitter if the paintings are really of him and his boyfriend a couple times and each time Bitty is So Offended?? 
  * "EXCUSE YOU I AM A SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN????" 
  * "AS IF I WOULD EVER TAKE PART IN PORNOGRAPHY???" 
  * and people are like "lol he's way too prude." 
  * and too sweet 
  * way too innocent 
  * it's like asking your grandma if she's in porn 
  * kinda horrifying 
  * only a few people even dare 
  * and everyone else shuts them the fuck down to protect their favorite cinnamon roll 
  * and meanwhile Bitty is reverse cowgirling the fuck out of Jack with Lardo curled up in a comfy armchair in the corner with her sketch pad 
  * innocent indeed 
  * shitty is still the only one who will just... hold a pose forever for her. 
  * because he is Devoted 




	10. ESPN Body Issue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack gets asked to do the ESPN body issue

  * lol what if Jack gets asked to do the ESPN body issue 
  * and they're all like "okay but if people see him naked THEY'RE GONNA KNOW" 
  * he gets a reputation for being SUPER PRUDISH 
  * his team mates chirp the fuck out of him 
  * put up curtains around his stall in the locker room so he can change in peace 
  * he hates them so much 
  * for like a month afterward every time he walks into the locker room they shriek and cover themselves 
  * he hates them SO MUCH 
  * they make fun of him for holding bitty's hand - “oooh jack pda in public???? oooh.” he just glares. bitty thinks it's funny but doesn't have to deal with the locker room part 
  * shitty: m'dude just do the body issue. (he is so ready with his conspiracy sites to do the butts match thing) 
  * so he does the issue 
  * except like the photographer is actively trying to get him to do "mystery artist" poses 
  * the photographer also runs a conspiracy blog 
  * looking for PROOF 
  * evidence their theory is right 
  * (it mostly is) 
  * jack hates them so. much. 
  * (that picture ends up on the cover) 
  * but everyone just reads it as homage to the mystery artist 
  * clueless 
  * everyone is clueless 
  * they all depend on people being clueless 
  * and also on the truth being too bizarre and conspiracy theory-ish 




	11. Biography

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the biographer is certain they are being pranked

  * many years in the future, jack will try to explain all this to his biographer. the biographer is certain they are being pranked 
  * lol Jack like straight face admits the truth "I'm in love with my boyfriend and we're in a sexual relationship with each other and also kind of our friend from college, but she doesn't have sex with us she just watches. And sometimes her boyfriend watches too but mostly he's just in love with her and platonic with the rest of us." 
  * says it SO STRAIGHT FACED 
  * and they’re like "this can't possible be real" 
  * and he explains exactly who mystery artist is, and ALL of it 
  * and the biographer raises one brow, puts away their notebook and just silently walks away. 
  * they are not paid enough for this bullshit 
  * everyone told them Jack Zimmermann didn't have a sense of humor and clearly they were wrong 
  * because the man has a seriously twisted sense of humor and they’re a serious writer god damn it! 
  * they don’t need this! 
  * "hockey robot my ass" 
  * jack, to his 3 partners: guys... young us just pranked us HARD. we pranked ourselves guys so even after they're all way older and don't really care if anyone knows anymore, no one believes it 
  * Shitty did his job way too well 
  * exactly - they were trying, with the biography 
  * they think about writing it all themselves. but it would only ever be published under "humor". self publishing would lead to more of the same 
  * Lardo considers doing one last painting 
  * with their faces and everything 
  * but they all hem and haw over whether it really matters to them that the whole world know exactly who is in the paintings 
  * like...are they trying to prove something? 
  * are they tired of hiding? 
  * or is it something they're okay with keeping just for themselves? 
  * she does paint it, but they keep it private. 
  * it's for the future, an answer to a mystery 
  * jack's a history buff 
  * the idea of leaving a tangled unanswerable mess ears at him 
  * SHITTY WRITES HIS CONSPIRACY BLOG TITLES ON THE BACK OF THE CANVAS 
  * they leave a printed manuscript in with their private documents in the safety deposit box 




	12. Greatest Prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the world is shook

  * and none of them ever had any kids 
  * so when the last of them is finally gone, their estate goes up for auction 
  * and out come those two paintings 
  * the original, the hung in Jack and Bitty's bedroom for decades 
  * and the last one 
  * and the art community Loses. Their. God. Damned. Minds 
  * the world is shook 
  * people earn phds analyzing it all 
  * why they did it 
  * what it all meant (society is more open now, hiding relationships has to be Explained) 
  * it is known as one of the greatest pranks ever 
  * and then the safe deposit box gets emptied, with no one left to pay for it. 
  * and Shitty, that magnificent bastard, has tied the whole thing up in legal knots until it has to be published by the publisher they chose (if the publisher is so inclined) and a huge percent of the proceeds go to -random charity of choice- 
  * something to do with hockey or art or both 
  * it's like the greatest mystery of the last 50 years all tied up neatly with a red bow 
  * Jack would be proud 
  * and that biographer hears about it on the news cuz it's a Big Fucking Deal. and just... kicks themselves SO hard 
  * coulda won a goddamn pulitzer 
  * except they were right: without that last painting (hell and the first) it would have been a joke a colossal career ending joke 
  * the biographer definitely would have been a meme 




	13. Legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack will be remembered far longer for being the subject of those paintings than he ever will for being in NHL

  * Jack will be remembered far longer for being the subject of those paintings than he ever will for being in NHL 
  * COLLEGE FRESHMAN WILL HAVE POSTER PRINTS HANGING ON THEIR DORM ROOM WALLS 
  * right next to Klimt's kiss 
  * lardo's art will be the sort Everyone recognizes even if they're not really sure why they know it 
  * there are art classes that have a whole unit devoted to the series 
  * they find her angry series - the ones the boys didn't let her show. the reason for her anger has been lost 
  * there are so many theories 
  * people try to tie it to historical events but the paintings are hard to date accurately 
  * the theories range from vaguely sexist ("she must have had an abortion!") to whether or not she had depression 
  * but even though they're dark and angry, a lot of people argue that the love the artist has for the subjects is still clear, and the love the subjects had for each other is clear too 
  * and "she broke up w her 3 boyfriends" "but they got back together" 
  * not to mention all the theories about why she didn't paint more self portraits 
  * among which are still theories lardo wasn't even the actual painter 
  * and then you get more Discourse 
  * "TRYING TO INVALIDATE THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF AN ASIAN WOMAN THE WORLD OF ART" 
  * others argue that she had self image issues ("but how could that possibly be true if you look at the one self-portrait??? That woman is confident and loved!") 
  * some posit she felt on the outside of her own relationship 
  * not to mention, there's actually a shit ton of art she did, including self portraits, in her other styles and under her own name 
  * and people fucking forget 
  * so every few years or decades papers and books are published, analysis and clever side by side compilations 
  * the ESPN cover gets superimposed over the matching painting 
  * people comment on how he looks oddly alone on that cover, even though it was blown up and photoshopped to be an eye catching centerpiece 
  * and people reconstruct bits of that era of his life: his "prudishness" is actually documented. there are a few interviews and a shitload of memes 
  * they conclude that jack was left out of the relationship, isolated by his fame 
  * They connect it to Lardo's dark period 
  * "he was a drug addict!" they say 
  * it's not the most flattering analysis 
  * jack is rolling over in his grave 
  * ooooh I bet people visit their graves 
  * I bet they share a plot or something 
  * and people do like rubbings or leave stuff there 
  * and selfies 
  * Bitty's legacy is secure 
  * so many "this is my grave face" selfies 
  * I feel like there would be a huge mystery surrounding Bitty 
  * because like...at best he probably ran a bakery. Which is like perfect for him but not exactly the most fame-making jobs 
  * but like...Jack was in the NHL 
  * Lardo was an artist 
  * Shitty was like the DA or something 
  * so there's a lot of info on all of them 
  * but the only things that were really big about Bitty were in connection to Jack 
  * or the stuff he put out on the Internet himself 
  * so he becomes kind of the last mystery figure 
  * so romanticized 
  * people love him 
  * and they want to know everything about him 
  * if anyone ever manages to dig through the annals of the internet and find those vlog posts, the world will have another melt down 
  * omg now that person wins a fucking pulitzer 
  * because he vlogged forever, practically to the end 
  * there are gaps 
  * but he mostly talks mundane domestic shit 
  * but you can sometimes glimpse or hear the others in the background 
  * (everyone's favorite example is "LARDSS!!! COME LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING BABY DUCK LEARNING HOW TO SWIM!") 
  * in fact, his videos are well known in academic circles already- as a source of slice of life of that era (but NO ONE made the connection) 
  * so they make the connection 
  * and everyone is like "yes he's a sweetheart we were right to love him" 
  * but also there's evidence he was the kinkiest of them now that it's tied to her art 
  * that meme where you slap text posts on pictures comes back solely because someone takes the "I AM A SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN HOW DARE YOU" tweet and puts it on all of the sex paintings 
  * and the vlogs give a brief rise to "no bitty felt excluded" of course 
  * and people can argue til the end of time about what the dark period meant and whether Lardo felt excluded or whether Jack felt excluded 
  * and of course people notice that Shitty is only ever in the domestic paintings and they talk about that 
  * he was the most excluded of all 
  * and he was cool with it 
  * because all his needs were met, emotionally and physically 
  * and he got to share his life with his best friends 
  * and also died knowing he was officially the greatest prankster in history 
  * the King of Trolls 
  * but really it was about all of that and none of that 




	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but in the end it was about love and intimacy and being together, and they were happy

  * but like...honestly it was never really about leaving a legacy and making people talk about 
  * them forever and ever amen 
  * it was four people who loved each other 
  * and they loved each other in different ways 
  * and they shared that love in different ways 
  * but in the end it was about love and intimacy and being together 
  * and they were, and they were happy 



**Author's Note:**

> This is from a chat conversation that lasted over 7 hours. It just ... kinda snowballed.
> 
> we started with "Lardo and Jack have weird sex competitions" and ended with "THEY TROLLED THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE WITH THEIR POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP AND WENT DOWN IN HISTORY"


End file.
